I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
