I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
