opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
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