Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
