I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
This house was built for laser tag.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
