I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
