I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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