I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
