At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
