Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
