Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
