I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I have aggressive nipples.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize
