I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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