I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
