Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
