I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
