wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
