I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Randomize
