The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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