I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
