ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
