The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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