I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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