No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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