puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
