my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
