Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize