filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
