I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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