Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
