Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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