I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
