just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
being pregnant is like rehab
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
