Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
