FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
