I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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