I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
