I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
The adults are the big ones right?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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