So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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