I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
