I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Randomize
