I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
