Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
