She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
