just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
