i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
