I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Green mimosas i think yes
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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