Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
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