Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
