That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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