oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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