The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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