i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
