You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
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