I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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