Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize