I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize