She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
