Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Randomize
