Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
