I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
