In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
