why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
